wow. here we are again! long time no see. the reason im back on here is because ive been faced with a heap of judgement about almost every little thing that i do, and i feel like something good can come from sharing about it. if i post too much on instagram, it’s attention seeking. if too many people follow me, somehow it’s my fault. if i dont post about my struggles, im too perfect but if i do, its too depressing. i want to be honest– and figured this is better than a long ass instagram caption.
i never. ever. want to be an aimless idol, that people see me and want to be me but know nothing of my personal life or my beliefs and thoughts. i want to set examples, sure, but meaningful ones. realistic ones. honest ones.
that being said, this is more of me. the dirty bruised and bleeding–
i want it to be very clear, to everybody, that MOST GOLIATHS DONT FALL WITH ONE STONE. i think that this year has shown me a lot of excitement and change. the nicaragua trip, prom, andrew, summer, new school, new friends, everything has been cranked up to volume 10. i started feeling the Lord more, in the very little things. i expected, coming home from smmr cmp, that my goliaths(main struggles) would be school or dads job or the house etc etc. i tried to do what God does and see into my future to brace myself when it came.
as long as i saw myself as david- being able to defeat my struggles with power and might- i would never listen to what the lord said about me.
i felt worthless.
hell- i do feel worthless, so much of my day. i feel like im under a microscope and being picked at waiting to crack. so, i fell back into my anxiety, and my self harm, and self hatred. not only was it going back to things i thought i had moved on from, it was ten times worse. walking with jesus is amazing, but when you stumble, i guarentee that your bad habits and your goliaths will always be waiting for you.
in having a heart for the lord, and others, serving and missions has always lead me to believe that you have to be filled up- and eventually overflow to those around you. my mind twisted the definition of filled up to being whole, like a vase with no cracks or holes. friends, this has never been true and it never will be. god uses your cracks– he placed them there!
i leave for nicaragua in a short three days- and i remember the morning after everything spiraled, feeling not good enough to go on this trip, more discouraged and dissapointed in myself than ive ever been. worried about wearing a swim suit with the children. anxious about my scars, or if my leader could tell that they arent a year old. i want to make something very clear. that what you believe about yourself, and the lies that others speak into your life do not define your worth. that power is only in the hands of our heavenly father. this being true, there’s no need for self harm or self hatred or whatever else you struggle with.BUT– when you do fall down. because you know you will. there is mercy. there is a jesus that prays with the sinners. that redeems the broken. that saves the unsavable. this is me, this is you. there is another part of my story. there were three days that jesus was dead before he rose again and too often do we live in the saturday before easter sunday. we can mourn all we want- but there is grace. there is freedom in living in the lords plan for us and there is a promise given to us that says we aren’t perfect, but we can walk with god. we can taste heaven. we can see glimpses of the king of kings and we can change things. god’s plan changes things. how you will be used is unimportant. however, knowing that you will be used is liberating.
moving forward, i feel weak. i feel like i failed and in many ways i feel like i still am. but loving others as he loved me. not being judgemental, or putting hatred where love can grow will change things. i really pray that it will change things- in the world, and in others hearts. but as well as being weak, i feel closer to the lord than i ever have. that’s what so powerful about being sinners..!!! our sin exemplifies his grace, and his love.
i want this to be most true about me. that im undeserving of his love in every way possible- but. i am glad to live in it. i rejoice knowing the god who created our cosmos with his bare hands, and the clouds in the sky KNOWS ME. and accepts me for my failures and moves forward with forgiveness as a lifestyle.
nicaragua. this will be hard on me. i still have a voice creeping in the back of my mind that im not a good enough christian yet. but dear god i really pray that as well as the grace, i can accept the freedom that comes with knowing the lord. freedom that lets you walk beyond your struggles, and stand up and keep going to be used for his purpose. so until the next blog post about God knows what, you are loved. really really loved. he cheers you on in your successes. he picks you up in your failures. he is proud of you. he loves your ideas. he sees the small things you do for others, even when no one else does.
and he sees that in me too.